When your child shares that they are transgender, you may feel like your world has shifted. You might have questions, fears and even grief — but above all, what your child needs most is your support.
Two professionals from Connally Counseling in Ann Arbor help families navigate this journey:
- Dr. Dalton Connally, licensed clinical social worker and founder/CEO
- Kathleen Roeder, LMSW, clinical director and psychotherapist, who offers added insight into the emotional journey parents experience
They emphasize that gender identity is not just a personal discovery for a child — it’s a transition the whole family undertakes.
When your child comes out
Dr. Dalton Connally says a parent’s first reaction often includes self-blame or fear. But what your child needs most is support.
“They need this unconditional support and love, even if you are sure in your heart 100% that what they are feeling is wrong,” she says. “For their development and their mental health well-being, they need to process it and come to it on their own.”
- Parent tip: Pause before reacting. Affirm your child’s courage first. Then find your own space to process emotions without making your child responsible for them.
Understanding their identity
Children often spend months or years thinking about their gender identity before sharing it. It may feel sudden to you — but it likely isn’t for them.
“They are taken by surprise by a child’s admission that they are struggling with their gender or their sexuality, and they think it is something new,” says Connally. “In reality, the child has been exploring this and are trying to give voice to it before they ever tell their parents or anyone else.”
- Parent tip: Believe them — especially when it’s hard. Start by accepting that this is their truth.
Affirming who they are
Affirmation may involve using a new name or pronouns. It also means not making assumptions about your child’s sexual orientation or what their gender identity means.
“I think one of the other assumptions that parents make a lot is that when their child’s gender changes that their attractions are also going to change, and the vast majority of the time that is not true,” Connally says .
- Parent tip: Ask, don’t assume. Let your child lead the conversation about their identity.
Support for you, too
While your child needs support, you will too.
Kathleen Roeder emphasizes that parents need support just as much as their children — just not from their children.
“It is common that a parent will want to process their emotions with their child surrounding their coming out, but this puts undue pressure on the child to educate and comfort the parent,” says Roeder. “The parent will have to practice relying on an adult support system and this in turn will protect the parent-child relationship so the parent can remain a safe space.”
- Parent tip: Find your people. Connect with other parents of trans kids or seek a gender-affirming therapist who can help you process this journey.
When grief is part of the process
Parents may feel like they’re losing the child they thought they knew. Roeder acknowledges this
is a form of grief — but also a chance to reframe your understanding.
“It is helpful to consider that their child’s gender is not the epitome of who they are — it is largely related to how they are treated in society but has much less to do with their personality or true nature,” she says.
“If a parent is able to embrace that their child is learning about themselves, the same way every person will grow in understanding themselves throughout their life, the child’s coming out will feel more like an evolution of who their child is and less of a threat to the parent’s fixed understanding of the child.”
- Parent tip: Focus on connection. What you love about your child is still there — and probably more authentic than ever.
Resources in southeast Michigan
Here are a few places to find professional and peer support:
- Connally Counseling in Ann Arbor: Therapy for youth and families
- Stand With Trans in metro Detroit: Resources for parents and youth
- PFLAG Detroit: family support group meets monthly
- Affirmations LGBTQ+ Center in Ferndale: Local community hub
- WPATH: Medical and mental health transition guidance
- Facebook parent groups: Peer support from others going through the same journey
- Parent tip: Take one small step. Whether that’s a phone call or a group meeting, the next right step is what matters.
Loving them fully
“A parent may feel they are losing the child they knew and this is a grief process that they can seek professional support to process,” says Roeder. “The parent may have expectations of who their child should be, but loving who they actually are is what will cement the parent-child bond.”
- Parent tip: Lead with love. When you accept who they are, they thrive.
This article was originally published in 2022 and is updated regularly.
This content is sponsored by the Ethel and James Flinn Foundation. Visit flinnfoundation.org.
Find more articles like this at Metro Parent’s A Parent’s Guide to Family Mental Health.
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