Think about the last time you started a new job. Did you feel some level of anxiety? Were you terrified of the unknown?
Consider how your child might feel at the beginning of each new school year, or when they transition from elementary school to middle school. If your family has moved over the summer and your child is walking into a whole new school in a whole new town, the unknown looms even larger.
Change can be hard for kids…and for adults. Some anxiety is a normal human response, says Suzanne Brown, PhD, acting associate dean at Wayne State University School of Social Work.
“One of the biggest things about these transitions for kids and adults is that we are all social beings and one of our biggest fears is what if I don’t fit in?” Brown says. On a base level, we want to know how we’ll survive without an established community.
Moving to a new school can feel like moving to a new planet. “And you don’t know what the rules are or what’s going to happen. And what if you mess up and then are ostracized or other kids make fun of you and the teacher gets mad at you?” she says.
5 ways to help your child transition to the new school year
It’s tempting to reassure your child that none of that is going to happen. But is that the most helpful way to calm their anxieties? Here, we share five things you can do to help your child make a smooth transition to that new classroom, new grade or new school.
1. Manage your own anxiety
It’s normal to feel anxious on behalf of your child, but they will absolutely pick up on that. Ask yourself how you are managing your own anxiety so that you can “be kind of a regulator for your kid’s anxiety,” says Brown.
2. Follow your child’s lead
Your child’s first day may be great, or it may be horrible. But they don’t have your perspective of years of overcoming tough situations and don’t know that tomorrow might be better. When your child lands in the car after that first day, check in and match your response to what you hear. You might want to hear how exciting and fun it was, but you might hear that it was hard and frustrating. Respect that.
3. Ask specific questions
If you ask “How was your day?” expect a single-word response. Instead, ask your kid to share the best or worst thing that happened, or what they’re most proud of that they did that day or the new person they liked the most. “That’s an entrance into a larger conversation where you can potentially get a sense of where they are,” Brown says.
4. Help your child recognize their competence
Picture this example: your child says the hardest thing of the day was finding the right classroom in the four minutes they had between classes, but that they did it with seconds to spare. “In that story is a chance for efficacy, a chance for the kid to be a hero,” explains Brown. “They experience being a competent person and not a victim of whatever happens from day to day.”
5. Validate in a balanced way
Find balance when responding to your child’s worries. You can say “Oh, that was hard,” but not follow through with what might come next. Or you can invalidate by saying “Oh, it will be OK.” It’s better to hold both responses, says Brown. Try saying, “Yeah, that sounds hard. And just think, tomorrow you will know even better what to do in that situation. And, each day you’ll know even more.”
What to do if new school year anxiety continues or intensifies
Stomachaches, headaches, nausea can indicate potential anxiety, especially if you’ve ruled out physical causes. Your child may even say they don’t want to go to school — or refuse outright. Your child’s physical symptoms are real, even when you know they are rooted in anxiety.
“There’s a balance of wanting to encourage your child to function at the best level they can,” says Brown. Encourage your child to go to school, and don’t make it an all-or-nothing proposition. “Can they go to school for part of the day? Can they go to school and call you if they need to come home? Can they go to the nurse?” suggests Brown, adding that letting your child know that if they really need you, you will be there for them provides a scaffold of support.
“It can be hard once we allow a kid to stay home whenever they feel anxious, the anxiety takes root. The more avoidance there is, the more anxiety there is in it. It reinforces itself. That gentle encouragement becomes really important,” Brown says. “The more we avoid, the more insurmountable anxiety starts to feel.”
With support, your child’s angst should begin to diminish and you’ll see more good days than bad, Brown says. Give it ample time, and if your child isn’t feeling better in six months or so, consider an evaluation. “I would say start with a primary care physician at that point,” she says.
Content brought to you by the Ethel and James Flinn Foundation. Learn more at flinnfoundation.org.
from Metro Parent https://ift.tt/RZB2QHP
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